Potty Mouth

On occasion, my dad likes to remind me how much school debt I have. He will say things such as, "Ashlee, you have to do something with your career because it was such-and-such amount. Don't you wish you had gone to Oregon State or UofO?" To that I quickly respond, "Hells to the no!" I had to most incredible college experience and I wouldn't trade those memories for any amount of money.

My first year of school, I lived in a section with all the transfer students. Out of all the girls in my section, I was the only one under 20-years-of-age... the baby. Dana and I shared the room on the right. You could never see the floor in that room and there were always stacks of half-filled coffee cups decorating the counter space. Across the hallway, Tiffany and Nicole set up camp. They had the largest room, the room where everyone went to relax on the couch. Nicole left halfway through the year and Elise moved in. In the middle of our rooms was Lara's space. Her original roommate moved out before school even officially started, but Cosy moved in a couple of weeks later.

We had an amazing RA who liked to do fun art projects for us. One of these art projects was our "Potty Mouth", a little notebook and pen hanging from a string in the toilet stall. Inside, she wrote:

Greetings-
This notebook is for the enjoyment of anyone who visits or frequently spends time in this stall.
You are free to draw pictures, recite poetry, quote sonnets, ask mind boggling questions or talk about pointless things. Use it for whatever you wish... except wiping!
Happy pottying-
Kiley

Despite the infinite amount of germs that must have plagued that booklet, we wrote in that thing like we were being paid $100 per word.

By Christmas break, we had filled the notebook and its cover. One day, I walked into the stall and noticed something was missing... the string was barren. I ran out of the bathroom before attending to business.

"Where is the book," I hollered. The girls ran out of their rooms. No one knew where the book was. Accusations began to fly. Soon, the book was replaced by my fascination with The Real World and an idea to start our own Real World: Clark Edition. As wonderful as our videos were, nothing could ever replace our Potty Mouth.

Fast forward to the end of our first year. As we all packed our belongings and said tearful goodbyes, Cosy gave us each a present. She had taken the Potty Mouth and copied each page, cut it out and created individualized Potty Mouths for each of us. It was one of the best gifts I have ever been given. It was such a great gift, in fact, that when I stumbled upon it this evening, I knew it was too good not to share. Most of it you really won't understand unless you were in our suite or one of our close friends... sorry about that!

Here are some of the best photos and comments from the 2007 bestseller Potty Mouth:
 

Ashlee:

Artwork by Ashlee

This is what we should be for Halloween, yeah?

Tiffany:
There are five of us ;)
Nicole:
    Nicole-Baby Spice
    Tiff-Scary Spice
    Ash-Ginger Spice
    Dana-Posh Spice
    Lara-Scary Spice
Tiffany:
Of course you would put me as Scary Spice. Whatever!
Lara:
Okay, we're not seriously going to be the Spice Girls, are we? I'm not sure how I feel about that ;)
Dana:
You feel great :)
Lara:
Just like Tony the Tiger!

Artwork by Tiffany

Cosy:
If you have a lot of homework, clap your hands.
If you never get to sleep, clap your hands
If you're tired and you know it
Then your bags (under your eyes) will surely show it.
If you're tired and you know it C.H.P.
Ashlee:
Clap Clap!
Cosy:
So it's 2:20AM and I am still up. CLAP CLAP CLAP 
3:45am  CLAP CLAP
Yes! 5:00am I am going to bed.

Tiffany: It's time to drop the Cosby's off at the pool.
Dana: Does that mean you're pooping?
Tiffany: Yes.
Dana: Let's write a story. Add a word of phrase to the story:
Many years ago, in a land where the streets were trampolines and pirate booty fell from the sky, there lived a boy penguin who wanted a rubix cube. Benny the penguin tried to think of ways he could get the magical square when...up walked a blind old beggar with a cane. Or so Benny thought the man was blind. Little did he know... it was a fairy woman in disguise. Benny was astonished and asked for three wishes. The fairy said he could get them if...  He dropped the Cosby's off at the pool... and that's how Benny was potty-trained.
Dana:This is definitely the next top selling children's story!

Nicole: HAPPY FINALS WEEK! :)
Ashlee: Happy?
Dana: 4 more days! (Some of you lucky ducks only have 3)
Lara: I can feel the end. So close I can almost taste it.
Cosy: That taste is the chips we have been eating in the wee hours of the morning.

Dorm Christmas Decoration Ideas

Ashlee: Phil asked for my #.
Cosy: Whatever. He gave me his #: 857-5309

Ashlee: I got a nice bit of red on my undies to help me celebrate Valentines
Dana: OH MY GOSH! That is the funniest thing we heard all day!
Elise: I'm so glad you shared that with us. That is great/big news!

Dana: So I'm peeing and the cleaning lady walked in. Awkward.
 

Tiff, Elise, Cosy, Lara, me, Dana

And we will never forget Nicole!

The Ponce DeLeon Wedding

My Best Friend's Wedding. No longer is it just a movie title. Nor is it a memory of 7 years ago when my high school bestie Lauren got married. It also is not a maybe-someday-they-will-actually-make-the-jump notion.

Six years ago, I met Robert. After knowing him for less than a week, he practically moved into Dana's and my dorm room. If he was not in class, at baseball practice or eating in the cafeteria, he was in the chair under my lofted bed eating my trail mix. Affectionately, I nicknamed him Bert; Rob and Bob were too predictable. Bert was the best friend anyone could ask for. He listened, he talked, he related. Honestly, best guy friend you could ever imagine.

When he and Marie started dating, I could not have been more happy for them. I remember December 31, 2008, as I was walking through the parking lot of Hoodoo with Rebecca after a long day of snowboarding. My phone rang and Bert's photo flashed across the screen.

"I gotta take this," I told Becca. He informed me that he was standing in a jewelery store, trying to decide on the perfect ring for Marie. I squealed in excitement and the noise echoed from the snow-covered mountain. When I hung up the phone, a picture message of the ring came through. The ring was perfect: simple and elegant and beautiful, just like Marie.

It was a long engagement. There were several times when I wondered if they would ever actually make the marriage official.

Well, the day is coming. This June, the amazing couple will tie the knot. My ex-flame is in the bridal party, so obviously, I have to look captivating. Since I'm in a cast, it will be difficult to keep the body in slamming condition. Not to fear, I have some great ideas on how to handle the situation:

1. Anorexia! It's lost popularity over the years, but it was all the rage when I was in high school,. Want to look like a skeletal frame with skin hanging limply from your weak body? Stop eating entirely for 3 months and I guarantee you will end up in the hospital with barely enough strength to drink from a sippy straw. Hmmm... on second thought, I really like food.

2. Break all the bones in my body so I have to be rolled to the wedding in a body cast. Then no one will be able to tell if my body is slamming, scramming or spamming. Though... that may interfere with dancing the night away.

3. Wear a dress made out of mirrors. People will be so busy checking themselves out that they won't even notice the girl under the dress! Especially if I get those fun house mirrors! I think I may be onto something. Oooo! Remember the scene from Sabrina when David sticks champagne glasses in his back pocket then sits down and has to get stitches in his gluteus maximus? I'm not down for more stitches, especially not when I am stuck on my butt for two and a half more months.

4. Meet Elastigirl from The Incredibles and have her pass me all of her flexibility super powers. Then I could just stretch myself out nice and long... oh wait, she's a cartoon. So that would leave...

5. A stretching rack! If I can just lengthen my limbs, I won't have to worry about any extra poundage or flab. Fabuloso! Off to Craigslist to find a stretching rack and hopefully land a modeling job in the process! See ya never!

Side note: Just me being a kook. Please do not take any of this to heart. I do not plan on giving up food or meeting cartoon characters any time soon.

Send Me a Muse

Blake warned me this would happen; He said I would reach a point in my recovery where I was at an all time low. Well, low I am. When I was first injured, I felt inspired to explore, learn, watch, discover. I cannot say I was happy about being injured, but I was determined to make the most of my time. I began learning French, studying for my CSCS recert, designing meal plans and workouts for friends.... it felt like every moment of my day was packed.

Now I have no motivation. Reading feels like a chore. I don't have any desire to write my blog or listen to music. I ordered all three seasons of Veronica Mars and she is now a distant memory. My social skills are gone; Holding a conversation becomes a daunting task, especially when every phone call or text begins with, "How's your leg?" I have hit rock bottom.

The great thing about reaching the bottom of the hill is there is nowhere to go but up. As any cyclist or runner knows, going uphill is not easy, but when you reach the top, it feels so good. So I'm going to start climbing now. First of all, I have been painting and I purchased more canvases and supplies today. Many of you have expressed the desire to purchase a painting. If you would like to commission me, I am taking orders now, so please feel free to e-mail or comment on this blog. Also, I am available to design meal plans or workout routines. Please contact me with any questions.

Secondly, I thought I should leave you all with another playlist. This one is another amazing playlist all about... periods. Not grammatical periods. Female monthly irritations. If you don't enjoy the tunes, at least get a kick out of the titles:

1. Blood Red Summer Coheed and Cambria
2. Same Blood The Academy Is...
3. I Predict a Riot Kaiser Chiefs 
4. 99 Red Balloons Nena
5. Bleeding Love Leona Lewis
6. Bleed for You Hidden in Plain View
7. The Tide is High Atomic Kitten
8. Wine Red The Hush Sound
9. Big Girls Don't Cry Fergie
10. Red Right Ankle The Decemberists
11. Breaking the Girl Red Hot Chili Peppers 
12. Save Me Jude
13. The Curse of Curves Cute is What We Aim For
14. Blood and Peanut Butter Bc Camplight
15. Red Rain Peter Gabriel
16. Red, Red Wine UB40
17. Woman Like Me Beyonce
18. I've Got the World On A String Lisa Stansfield
19. Pretty Girl Rock Keri Hilson 

Delivery Room Playlist

Tiffany is having a baby! So exciting! We all know how much I LOOOOOOOVE making weird playlists. Two weeks ago when Tiffany and Cosy came to visit me, we joked about making a playlist starting with Tiff's and my dance jam back in college: A Bay Bay by none other than Hurricane Chris. I'm pretty certain that was the only song he ever made... at least the only one I've ever heard.

So, delivery room playlist... there are so many options of songs to put on there, so I settled with these. Some have a short description of why I chose them, others need no explanation.

1. A Bay Bay Hurricane Chris
2. Cyclone Baby Bash- Tiffany's favorite song our first year of college. I'm guessing if she "moved her body like a cyclone", there's a reason she and David are pregnant right now.
3. Tik Tok Ke$ha- originally this was not on my list, but Kaylee convinced me to add it. "Tonight Imma fight til we see the sunlight"
4. I Wanna Be Sedated The Ramones
5. Ice, Ice Baby Vanilla Ice- just think of all those ice chips she'll be chewing
6. If You're Going Through Hell Rodney Atkins
7. Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) Kelly Clarkson
8. Hips Don't Lie Shakira
9. Go Baby Lupe Fiasco
10. Rock You Like a Hurricane Scorpions
11. Ring of Fire Johnny Cash
12. I Will Survive Donna Summer
13. Breath In FrouFrou
14. Push It Salt N Pepa
15. Eye of the Tiger Survivor
16. The Final Countdown Europe
17. Breathe In Breathe Out Mat Kearny
18. I'm Coming Out Diana Ross
19. American Baby Dave Matthews Band
20. I'm Crazy 'Bout My Baby Louis Armstrong

Arms, Back and Chest Workout

I promised I would upload one of my workouts. This is one that I designed for my friend Blake. It's a tough one. Enjoy!

Each movement in the main set should last for one minute. Let me know how many reps you completed and how much weight you used for everything. If you started heavy and dropped down or if you started light and added on, let me know that. Do the main set 3 times, no rest between exercises, 1:00 rest between sets, which should take 35 minutes.

Warm-up:

100 Burpees (Do 10 perfect burpees, take a break, then do ten more. Continue this ten times with enough rest in between so that each burpee is perfect)

Main Set:

PUSH-UP T'SStart out in a regular pushup position with two dumbbells in each hand. As you push your body upwards, rotate you torso at peak height and bring your right hand up behind you so that your hands are in a vertical line. Lower the weight so that you are once again in push up position. Do a push up, repeating with your left hand.

WOODCHOPPERS

Grab a dumbbell in your right hand and allow it to hang in front of you, between your legs. Lower the weight below your hips and let it swing between your knees. Try to keep your core stable as you explosively thrust forward, swinging the weight upward to chest level in a fully upright position. Repeat as many times as possible for one minute on the right side then switch arms and do the same for one minute on the left.

BACK ROW TO REVERSE FLY

Grab a pair of dumbbells and hinge forward from the waist, back straight and parallel to ground, butt slightly out. With control, pull the wrights up to your chest, elbows back behind you. Hold for a count, lower the weights then lift the arms straight out to the side, drawing the shoulder blades together and hold. Lower. That is one rep.

SHOULDER PRESS

You should know what that is

DECLINE PUSHUP
Get into a normal pushup position, but with your feet elevated on a box or bench behind you. Lower your body slowly on a count of five, then explosively pushup to the top of the plank, returning to starting position with arms extended.

CHIN UP

Hang from an overhead bar. Pull your chest all the way up until it touches the bar then lower yourself. If you need to pause during the minute, that is okay. Just return to the movement as soon as you feel rested and finish with as many as you can. Let me know if you use wide, narrow, overhand or underhand grip.

PLANK TO PUSHUP

Begin in pushup position with arms extended. Make certain core is strong. Lift the butt and tip the hips under so you have a straight line with your body. Press through the heels. Drop down to your right elbow, then left so body weight is on both elbows and arms are parallel on the floor. Press up onto your right hand, then left so you return to starting pushup position. Repeat, this time leading with the left side.

EXPLOSIVE DIPS

On the dip machine, lower yourself slowly and with control. Once you reach a ninety-degree angle with your elbows, explosively push yourself back up so that your body weight comes completely off of the bars. Try to land softly on your hands and start again.

OVERHEAD TRICEP PRESS

Lift a heavy dumbbell overhead so that if you dropped it, it would land on the center of your skull. Bending the elbows, lower the weight behind you at a ninety-degree angle then on an exhale, push back up to the top so arms are extended overhead.

FULL MOON SQUATS

With a dumbbell in each hand, lower yourself into a deep squat, one weight at each side. Press through your heels to stand erect while you lift each weight with straight arms laterally then continue through to the top so each arm completes a semi-circle, meeting at the top. Lower the weights as you squat and begin again.

Cool Down:

Stretch- be sure to focus on every muscle group we worked

Wildflower 2013 and Update on Tendon

At this moment, I should be checking my stats from the Wildflower race; unfortunately, if I opened up the link to see my total time, I would not be able to find my name on the list. Or maybe it's still on the list with a big DNS (Did Not Start) next to it.

Wildflower was not in the cards this year. It is a huge bummer, but I know that I will make up for it next year.

Good news on Wildflower 2013 though! The pro male and female winners were both from my hometown: Bend, Oregon. Yeah, Bend! Three-peat Jesse Thomas, aka The Aviator,  is pretty well-known in my town, especially now that his Picky Bars are all the rage. He finished the race in 4:02:19. Yeah buddy! So proud of him!

Photo courtesy of Jesse's wife, Lauren

I haven't met Heather Jackson, the female top pro, but she did awesome! She crossed at 4:33:20. Baller. Now I have something to aim for next year!

Photo courtesy of Lauren

Maybe while I'm in Bend working on my rehab, I can get some pointers from them both. Hey, gotta take advantage of being a gimp, right?

In honor of Star Wars Day yesterday (May the 4th be with you), I am attaching a photo of the original Star Wars cast. You're welcome.

And, the moment you've all been waiting for, the update on my surgery! I went to the surgical center Friday where they took off one cast and put another on. It is my 3rd cast in the period of 2 weeks. Each time the cast is a little lighter, but I still am not allowed to put weight on it and I have an order to stay in bed with my foot elevated. So fun. There still is no clarity on if the tendon has completely healed or not because they don't want to stress the tendon too much if it is holding. I will go again mid-June to see if there is progress.

Thank you again for all of your thoughts and gifts and prayers. You all have been so supportive and encouraging. In fact, I'll reward you with a funny visit from my doctor's visit.

I have noticed that using the restroom is not an easy task when you have a task. It's hard enough at home where I have a system, but trying to use a stall in a public restroom? I had my first experience last Friday at the center. Crutching slowly, I pivoted around the bathroom. Flushing was the difficult part because I refuse to use my hand to touch the lever. Balancing on my crutches, I lifted my good foot and used what is left of my abdominal strength to reach the leg out and push the lever. It was pretty impressive. Then I crutched over to the sink. My cell phone was in my bra, but that wasn't the most secure place, as it fell out as I was scrubbing my hands. It slid under the sink and I looked at it quizzically. No one was in the restroom to grab it for me and I couldn't call my Dad for help because... well, I didn't have access to my phone.

"Okay, God," I pleaded. "Please don't let me fall. Please give me strength and balance." I balanced on my left leg and squatted down. I will admit, even when I am at 100% in the peak of my training, one-legged squats still own me, but I did it and was able to get my phone without touching my cast to the floor. "Oh, Shawty, got low," I proudly thought to myself as I stood up and made my way out to the lobby. Wha-bam!

You Are What You Love, Not Who Loves You

Despite the fact that listening to Fall Out Boy sometimes renders me the appearance of a 15-year-old pop punk/ pop rock/ emo loving girl, I cannot deny the fact that they make my life epicly fantastic. Their new CD, Save Rock and Roll, though not my favorite of their CDs, is still hauntingly beautiful and irresistibly catchy.

In the title track of their April album, Patrick Stump melodically reminds the listener: "You are what you love, not who loves you."

Let me repeat that until it sticks.

You are what you love, not who loves you.
You are what you love, not who loves you.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU LOVE, NOT WHO LOVES YOU.

I went through a season in my life right after high school where four out of my five best friends got married; most of these girls were only 19-years-of-age. Naturally, when my boyfriend of less than a year proposed we do the same thing, I eagerly accepted the idea. I was almost nineteen; I was getting old! And we were such a happy little music-loving, goofy, outdoorsy couple with tremendous ambitions and drive.

Then one day I realized that our paths were taking different directions. I was determined to chase what I loved, which was the pursuit of knowledge and adventure. Though he was willing to give up his dreams to help me achieve mine, I couldn't ask my boyfriend to be anyone less than who he was. He was an incredibly talented musician and the Oregon artist-scene needed him more than I did. Asking him to forsake his calling to follow me to Santa Barbara would have been breaking the 6th commandment: Thou shalt not kill. I would have murdered his musical production and graphic design dreams.

As I dated throughout college and after, I noticed that I was picking up hobbies and passions from my different relationships. I began to use my newly discovered interests to become a more talented, knowledgeable and capable woman. I could have chosen one activity to focus my energy on, but what fun is that? Sure, I could be the best female surfer on this side of the Americas by choosing to live, eat and breath surfing, but then I would not be here writing a blog about swimming, biking and running. I could have decided that because Derek loved baseball, baseball would be the one and only thing I would pursue. If that was the case, I would not have been true to myself; Instead, I would have been who loved me, not what I love.

What is it that I love? What makes me happy (other than playing the air guitar to FOB, of course)? Teaching, wearing flannel, being with my family, incredible friendships, trail running... all of these things bring me immense happiness.

I have seen too many people give up their essences and the characteristics that define them in order to be the perfect man or woman for the individual they are dating. No, no, no and again I say NO! Knock it off! You may think that boy you are swooning over in math class won't notice you unless you are wearing hipster glasses like Taylor Swift and carrying a TI-89. Maybe the cute girl you met at the track last Tuesday morning will notice you if you improve your 5k times or you buy those flashy neon Nike Free's. But if you hate math or if running brings you more blisters than it does feelings of satisfaction, forget about it. Pursue the things you love and people who love the same thing will naturally come into your life.

Be who you love.

Yes, that does mean I will be starting a Fall Out Boy tribute band where I teach my family and friends the band's lyrics while wearing flannel and running across the Pacific Crest Trail. Hey, if you love it, be it!

Pepper Spray to Roses

I use pepper spray to convince boys to give me flowers.  And it works really well.

Rewind back to November. A British soccer player asked me to go to this bar in town with him. We spent the entire night exchanging REALLY bad jokes and stories and talking about The Streets. After driving me home, he walked me to my front door. It was chilly out, so I stuck my hands in my jacket pockets. Inside, I felt something long and curved, much like a tube of lipstick. My pointer finger played with the tip of the trigger and I laughed. Simon, my date for the evening, looked at my quizzically. "I just realized I have pepper spray in my pocket," I informed him.

"Alright," he said in his British accent. "Have a good night." And he walked back to his car.

 You would think that was that, right?

Well, guess who received some beautiful flowers all the way from England today?

This girl did: