My Most Awkward Dating Experience Revealed.

Korean/Mexican fusion burritos. What? That's what I ate for dinner last night. Not something I'm proud to admit, but they were phenomenal.

Why was I eating Korean/Mexican fusion burritos on a Saturday night? Well, I was on a date. A first date. What does one normally do on first dates to get to know the other person? Oooo! Oooo! Choose me! I know, I know! Okay, put your hand down and tell me the answer. You ask questions! You go, Glenn Coco! Ten points for you!

So I asked this man what he had learned about himself this past week and somehow that conversation led to a great discovery. I was out on a date with a man who writes a blog about Christian dating. Hmmm... this could be interesting. It made me want to hear his stories. It also made me wonder if maybe we were on a date just so he could write about this Korean/Mexican fusion burrito experience.

It was undeniable that I wanted to know some of his dating stories. My eyes got wide when he even mentioned the blog. Tell me more!

Of course he wanted to know some of mine in exchange. Truth be told, I have some great dating stories. In fact, sometimes I think I go out with some boys just for a good story to tell.

One in particular happened this past summer in Wyoming.

Where do you meet boys in Wyoming? Out on the ranch in their tractor? My date asked.

No, this particular boy I met in a coffee shop. I will name him Smith, which is totally not his name. His name is actually very common. So I will make his last name common. His name was Smith Jones. Or Smithy, as I liked to call him. I totally did not call him that because that would be stupid.

So Smithy worked at a coffee shop in town. Dropping my bear spray outside the laundromat led to five days of me lying on my death bed watching a television show about ballerinas in Australia. Obviously, I needed to get out in civilization... which is easy to do in Wyoming. Not. Anyway, I went to a local coffee shop (where Smithy worked) and ordered a drink. Normally, I would go to Kathy's, but Kathy closes shop whenever she feels like closing shop and that particular day she felt like closing up at 12:45PM, which is what led me to Smithy's coffee shop.

Smithy made my drink and called me up to the counter to pick it up. Somehow, the topic of music was discussed and it turned out we had very similar tastes. We hit it off immediately and ended up exchanging numbers. After finishing my coffee drink, I walked over to the gym to practice the new ballet moves I had learned on this television show I had been watching. What? Who does that? Someone who thinks they can dance but really has no clue what she's doing. As I "danced", Darth Vador informed me that I had received a text message. I wiped the sweat off my brow, adjusted my leg warmers and walked on point over to my cellular device. Smith wanted to hang out.

I watched as he played some dragon game on the X-box. Then we watched some television show he really enjoyed and he spent the next ten minutes apologizing for the content.

It's okay. I'm not offended.

You probably hate this. We don't have to watch this show. You should choose something. 

It's okay, Smithy. I'm totally fine.

I'm so embarrassed. 

Uhhhh... then why do you watch it?

I feel so convicted. 

Etc., etc.  So he asks me to meet him for lunch the next day.  I figure we will grab something in town at The Cowboy Cafe since it's really the only restaurant. When I arrive at the coffee shop, he informs me he wants to go an hour and a half east to Riverton because he has some rare dry lip dysfunction and needs to go to Walmart to get chapstick. Well, if we are going all the way to Riverton, we will probably go somewhere nice, I assumed. You know what they say about assuming...

Almost two hours later, we arrive at Walmart. Oh, by the way, the next day was my food buy day, so I knew I would be coming back here in less than 24 hours for my 10-hour-long, 8-grocery-carts-full shopping extravaganza which was the dreaded day of every week. As we walk inside, he finds his friend who works there and invites him to come along for the meal. That's cool. Another friend!

They decide to go to Pizza Hut. For our first date. Just Smith and me. And his friend. To Pizza Hut. No, I'm not judging you. I was vegan at the time, so I don't partake in the meal. I spend the time I would have used chewing food to make a good impression on his friend as I ponder what he is thinking about me. He seems disinterested. That's cool. Whatever. I just wore my nicest outfit for you. But it's cool.

The car ride home is a little awkward and uncomfortable. It's just Smith and me now. No friend to divert my attention. Everything he says sounds depressing and non-engaging. "So," I ask. "Are you a Christian?"

Hook! What was that? Oh, not much. You just cast a line out into the water and the fish bit on. 

His eyes light up and he gets very involved in the conversation. "To be honest," he informed me. "I thought you were just a really attractive flirty girl who knew she was attractive and flirted with every boy she met." Ouch. "But now, I am so intrigued by you."

The next time we hung out, he wanted to know how I thought we should raise our children. Where should we live? Should he move to California or would I move to Wyoming? Or should we move to Oregon? Should our kids be allowed to listen to secular music? Excuse me?

Then he invited me to meet the parents.  

My car isn't working.

It's okay; I'll come get you.

I'm working late, Smithy. I won't be done in the kitchen until 10PM.

You can still come have dinner with us.

Not tonight.

That is when things got crazy. I backed off a lot. When I finally did see him again, he told me he had a confession.


My dad stalked your facebook.

Excuse me?

Is that weird? That's totally weird.

What do you mean?

Well, he asked me for my password and I gave it to him and he looked through your Facebook. Is that weird? That's totally weird. 

Silence.

You know, Smith, it's okay. I put those things online, so I need to be okay with people looking at them.

Yeah, he looked through your pictures. He was a little disturbed by some of them.

Wait, I have over 3,000 photos. Which did he look at.

All of them.

No, like an album or my profile pictures...

He looked through all 3,000. 

Oh.

And he read every post that's ever been left on your wall. And he looked up your parents and sister and Josh and checked their profiles. 

Why?

To see your background and if you were from a good family.

That's weird.

I shouldn't tell you the rest.

Smith, tell me the rest.

He also read your blog.

Oh, cool. Which blog post?

All of them. 

Oh wow. 

Are you mad?

I mean, it's a little weird, but I can't be upset. I put it online, I have to be okay with people I don't know looking at it.

Yeah, he should be a detective. 

What do you mean?

He is so smart, he decided that you must be from a really wealthy family.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, you run all of the time, so you must not have to work so your family must support you.

That was when I lost it. I explained how hard I have worked to be where I am today. Yes, my family has been incredibly supportive, but I have worked 5 plus jobs ever since I started college to pay off my loans.

I told him I was walking to my car. He insisted he drive me because of the bears and mountain lions.

We spoke maybe twice after that.

Hey, how's life? That's nice. 

And that was how I learned that Taylor the Latte Guy was not so promising.