That Time I Thought I Was Pregnant With a Whale Baby

Many women have pregnancy scares at one time in their life, right? Well, mine happened when I was 17.

Seventeen? Oh my goodness! Ashlee is such a sl#*. I never would have guessed! 

Yeah... this wasn't your typical pregnancy scare.

I can't believe Ashlee was having sex when she was 17!!!

Alright, guys, c'mon! Stop jumping to conclusions and just listen up!

So, I was raised in a super protective home. When Matt Ruettgers asked me on our first date, our fathers went with us. Just Matt, me and our dads sitting in the theater for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Yup, pretty darn snazzy.

Oh don't worry, it gets worse.

There is a kissing scene in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. So what did my dad do when the warrior leaned in to kiss his karate princess? He reached his arm over and covered my eyes. Yes, sirreebob. He covered my 12-year-old eyes. Thanks so much, Daddy, for making my first date so memorable.

That was what my upbringing was like. Sex existed, sure. I knew that babies were not carried by storks, of course. What I did not know was the exact rules and regulations behind what it took to get pregnant.

It was summer of 2005. I had spent a month working at a YoungLife camp. One of my buddies found out I was leaving for surf camp the following week and decided to tell me a very pertinent fact about whales: Did you know a whale ejaculates 2,000 sperm into the ocean per day? No, no, in fact, I did not.

That scientific fact stuck in my head the entire week of camp. I am swimming in sperm. How many whales live in the ocean? How much sperm is floating around, getting in my mouth and other unmentionable places? Great...

Surf camp ended. I stayed in San Diego a few more weeks for volleyball camp before flying back to Oregon. Two months passed and I did not get my period. Keep in mind, in high school, I only got my period maybe 3-4 times a year. But when you have been surrounded by whale sperm 8 hours a day for an entire week, you forget all logical rhyme or reason.

Another month passed. I am going to give birth to a baby who is half whale, half man. What will my parents think? What will my town think? 

I stressed and spent sleepless nights tormented by my supposed whale fetus. Eek!

Something had to be done. I needed to know for sure what was going to become of my future! Finally, I went to Target and bought a pregnancy test. I couldn't take the test in a public restroom. Ew! So I took it home in an empty soda pop cup.

First test. Negative.

Second test. Negative... wait, are two lines good or bad?!

Third test. I'm so confused!!!! Am I preggers or am I good to go?

Moral of the story: Teach your kids the importance of using protection while swimming in the ocean!