Diapers

Diapers. My dad had the audacity to suggest buying me diapers to wear for the next three days. Usually, I would laugh at this because he would be saying it as a joke. Even with my father's VERY dry sense of humor, I can tell when he is joking and he was definitely not joking. I think I would rather kill myself before having to wear diapers. Can you even imagine sitting in your own urine all day? How do babies and old people do it?

Diapers. I guess that really is what set me off. My whole optimistic outlook went down the drain when I realized that the possibility of needing to wear a diaper for the next few days was very real. If my condition was serious enough to need help getting to a bathroom, what else would be limited? What other simple ADLs would I now find impossible without the aid of a parent or friend? So far, I've learned getting food, taking your shorts off and getting a pen to write in your journal are all very difficult things to do without help.

Diapers. I wish I had had one to dry the tears that were leaking from my tear ducts. Sitting in the back of the car wishing I was alone yet longing to be held. It's wonderful to have my parents here taking care of me and their selflessness and patience and understanding never ceases to amaze me, but it's different knowing you are going home to your parents' house and not to the arms of a lover, someone who will hold you and kiss your forehead and reassure you that everything will be alright. That must be a great feeling. Hence the reason I texted the one person I wish would have been waiting for me at home.

I really have the best parents

Love my mom, even if I have a hard time showing it at times.

It is probably a good thing I am alone though. Only a true Star Wars nerd would appreciate the Darth Vador breathing noise my compression machine makes. Heeeeeeeee-EEEEEE-whoooooooooo-pshhhhhhh..... heeeeeeee-whooooooo.... wheeeeeerrrrrrr... heeeeeee-EEEEEEE-whooooooo...PSHHHHHH And so it goes. Oh hey, Darth Vador... wanna snuggle?

The love everyone has sent me has been amazing though. Thank you so much for all of you who have been sending me e-mails filled with thoughts of encouragement and prayer. Handwritten letters are piled up at my hip from family members and people who have witnessed me blossom from a young, high-heeled girl into the woman in running shoes and Lulu pants. Care packages from Mer, Nani, Emily and Josh all sit by my side, filled with exciting reading material, funky straws and good smelling lotions. My tri coach has been so incredible throughout this process, always checking in on me and sending me motivating notes. This man I barely even know has been sending me inspiring notes of encouragement, helping me through this difficult time and always checking in on me.

So many times I catch myself thinking, "People have been through much worse than this; I should not feel sorry for myself." An example is the Olympic-qualifying Jill Kinmont who skied off of a cliff and was left permanently disabled, with no use of her legs or arms, who then lost not only her love of being able to ski, but also both of the loves of her life. Her fiance left her because he realized she would never walk again then she fell in love with another man who died in a plane accident a week after proposing to her. Obviously, my life is not that bad. In fact, since I've been injured, I've heard the stories of so many people who have been through much worse than I am going through, but Kaley and Sophia recently told me something that really changed my view on things: "It is easy to think that since you are more fortunate than others that you shouldn't feel bad about certain situations, but you're allowed to feel what you feel because you are human and you should never feel guilty about it".

So, today is my "I feel crummy. Let me be sad for myself" day. Tomorrow, get ready for the Tale of the Granny Panties. Stay tuned! I promise not to disappoint!!!

My Saucony Scofield, who has not left my side since I got home from the hospital

The view from home... definitely can't complain about that

Disclaimer: I will not be wearing diapers, thank goodness.