Six years ago, I met Robert. After knowing him for less than a week, he practically moved into Dana's and my dorm room. If he was not in class, at baseball practice or eating in the cafeteria, he was in the chair under my lofted bed eating my trail mix. Affectionately, I nicknamed him Bert; Rob and Bob were too predictable. Bert was the best friend anyone could ask for. He listened, he talked, he related. Honestly, best guy friend you could ever imagine.
When he and Marie started dating, I could not have been more happy for them. I remember December 31, 2008, as I was walking through the parking lot of Hoodoo with Rebecca after a long day of snowboarding. My phone rang and Bert's photo flashed across the screen.
"I gotta take this," I told Becca. He informed me that he was standing in a jewelery store, trying to decide on the perfect ring for Marie. I squealed in excitement and the noise echoed from the snow-covered mountain. When I hung up the phone, a picture message of the ring came through. The ring was perfect: simple and elegant and beautiful, just like Marie.
It was a long engagement. There were several times when I wondered if they would ever actually make the marriage official.
Well, the day is coming. This June, the amazing couple will tie the knot. My ex-flame is in the bridal party, so obviously, I have to look captivating. Since I'm in a cast, it will be difficult to keep the body in slamming condition. Not to fear, I have some great ideas on how to handle the situation:
1. Anorexia! It's lost popularity over the years, but it was all the rage when I was in high school,. Want to look like a skeletal frame with skin hanging limply from your weak body? Stop eating entirely for 3 months and I guarantee you will end up in the hospital with barely enough strength to drink from a sippy straw. Hmmm... on second thought, I really like food.
2. Break all the bones in my body so I have to be rolled to the wedding in a body cast. Then no one will be able to tell if my body is slamming, scramming or spamming. Though... that may interfere with dancing the night away.
3. Wear a dress made out of mirrors. People will be so busy checking themselves out that they won't even notice the girl under the dress! Especially if I get those fun house mirrors! I think I may be onto something. Oooo! Remember the scene from Sabrina when David sticks champagne glasses in his back pocket then sits down and has to get stitches in his gluteus maximus? I'm not down for more stitches, especially not when I am stuck on my butt for two and a half more months.
4. Meet Elastigirl from The Incredibles and have her pass me all of her flexibility super powers. Then I could just stretch myself out nice and long... oh wait, she's a cartoon. So that would leave...
5. A stretching rack! If I can just lengthen my limbs, I won't have to worry about any extra poundage or flab. Fabuloso! Off to Craigslist to find a stretching rack and hopefully land a modeling job in the process! See ya never!
Side note: Just me being a kook. Please do not take any of this to heart. I do not plan on giving up food or meeting cartoon characters any time soon.
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