It Happens In the Blink of An Eye

The tears come in waves. One moment I'm fine. The next moment, I am curled up on the floor sobbing out of control. He's constantly on my mind, but it doesn't always seem real.

The day started out like any other; my alarm went off at 5:30AM. I snoozed it four times before I finally brought my knees into my chest and my feet out of my bag. As I drove down the long dirt rode into town, I turned on my iTunes shuffle. Stopping by Kathy's on my way out, I grabbed a soy chai then got the credit cards from Becki. It was my last trip to Walmart and I was stoked. My friend from high school Michelle and I chatted the entire time I shopped. We talked about high school and people we no longer keep in touch with. I thought of Matt, Ashley, Lauren... people I really should call. Matt and I text very sporadically and I thought it was about time I checked in on him, but he didn't respond.

After finishing up at Wally World, Smiths, Graham's Gluten-Free Foods and Albertsons, I received a voicemail from my mom. She didn't sound well.

"Where are you," she demanded.

"Driving home from Walmart," I responded.

"I will wait til you get home. I don't want to tell you this while you're driving. You should be around someone," her words were making me nervous.

"Is Kaylee okay," I demanded. "Just tell me."

"Matt is dead."

The three words hung in the air. There was silence. I am still in shock. It doesn't seem real. I called Ashley to tell her. She didn't believe me. I didn't believe myself.

I cried the entire ninety minute drive home. I cried back at my tent. Mackenzi sat and listened to me as I thought back to my days growing up with Matthew.

Best friend. Brother. Classmate. Matt was all of these things and more to me. It's been two days and the memory of him has yet to leave my mind. I try to think of other things, but it doesn't happen. I hike, I run, I cook... he's still there. Growing up, we laughed together, we learned together, we explored together, we fought with one another... he was the closest thing to a brother that I ever had.

The memories are endless, but my favorites are the ones that stay replaying in my head.

From third to eighth grade, Matt, Peter and I were the only people in our class. In third grade, Mr. Muir had us line up to race around the baseball field. The whistle blew and we ran. It was one of the best moments of my life; I raced two boys and beat them both. After the race, Matt and I discovered that we lived five houses down from each other. Before we knew it, our parents were best friends, our sisters were best friends and we were inseparable. We spent every day at one another's houses. We went on family vacations together. He was my brother. He knew everything about me and he still loved me. In fourth grade, we planned our wedding. His middle name was the same as my last name, so we were excited to be able to sign Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Francis Ruettgers on our letters once we were married. His sister used to get mad at us for hanging out when she and I had our play dates.

The summer of sixth grade, Matt and his family went to California to see their cousins. When he came back, I was dying to see him. My mom wanted to go see his mom, so we rushed over there the instant they stepped through the front door. Before I even made it up the stairway, Matt met me from the top. "Ash, I have something for you," he said. "While I was in California, I talked to my dad about dating you. He said we are too young, but I really like you, so can we date without telling our parents?" Of course I said yes. He gave me a pearl necklace he had gotten from an oyster on his trip and I wore it every day for years until I lost it.

I was saving my first kiss for my wedding day. One night, my sister and I were sleeping over at his house. Technically, I was supposed to be having a slumber party with his sister Katherine while Kaylee slept over with Susan, but as usual, Matt and I ended up spending most of the evening together. Katherine complained to her parents and they called us aside to tell us we couldn't hang out together for the rest of the evening. They even banned him from the rec room when we went to bed. I love Katherine, but I remember wishing Matt was there the entire time; turns out he was in the laundry section spying on us. I tried to convince Katherine we should go to bed, but she kept chatting. When she finally fell asleep, Matt snuck over. He laid on the couch that was an L-shape from mine. Our heads together, we talked all night long. Around 3AM, the subject of kissing came up. "I don't understand why you're waiting," he started. "What if you end up kissing someone who isn't special to you? Don't you think you should kiss someone who is important to you?" Next thing I knew, we were both standing up, face to face. It was cold out, so I had a blanket wrapped around me. He placed his arms with his blanket around me and our foreheads came together. He kissed my forehead. Then he went in for the real deal. As our lips almost met, Katherine sat straight up on her couch and made some sort of exclamation. I leapt back onto my couch as Matt hid behind his. Fortunately, she was sleep talking. We decided to wait a little while to make sure she was really asleep; unfortunately, I fell asleep too quickly and the kiss never happened.

A couple of weeks later, Matt asked me on a date. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was playing, so Mr. Ruett, Matt, my dad and I went to see the show. Our fathers sat on either side of us. The kissing scene came up and my dad reached his hand over my eyes. Matt giggled. Thanks, Dad.

On one of our family vacations, we all went shopping in Portland. Kyle was with us, too, and the boys followed us into Bath and Body Works. After a couple of minutes, they got bored. Next thing we knew, they were painting their toenails with blue and purple sparkly nail polish. So weird that both of them are gone now. That was the same trip that they dug my training bra out of my bag. I was mortified. "Oh my gosh! They know I have boobs!"

On another family vacation, we all went to a play in Portland, followed by a fancy dinner and a nice hotel. During the play, Matt and I tried to sit together. I think I was dating someone else at this point, but Matt was pursuing me. After the play, we walked to the restaurant and Matt held his umbrella over me so I wouldn't get wet. By the end of the walk, he was soaked. We ate calamari that night. He convinced me to break up with my boyfriend so we could date, but we didn't end up dating after that.

In eighth grade, Peter was ill one day and I could tell Matt missed him. As we walked up to history class, Ms. Halsten wasn't in the room yet, but her car keys were. I looked at Matt and dangled the car keys in the air. "Want to teach me how to drive," I asked. We rushed out to Ms. Halsten's car and I jumped inside. He refused to get in, but decided to instruct me from outside. He jumped as the car lurched forward. I almost hit the basketball hoop. Finally, he directed me into a new parking spot and we rushed back upstairs giggling. "Where have you been," asked Ms. Halsten. Four years later, she was still telling the story to her students.

For my fifteenth birthday, my mom took my girlfriends, Matt and I TPing. We forked Cory's yard, TPed a couple of friends' yards and placed a dead squirrel on Bryan's doorstep.

I vividly remember finding out that he and my best friend Ashley were dating. Neither one of them knew how to tell me because they were scared it would hurt my feelings. They decided it would be best if Matt told me. I was on the elliptical at the athletic club when his voice nervously came through with the news. I was ecstatic! My two best friends were dating!

My sister and I always wanted a brother, so we made up a story about our brother who lived in the garage. His name was Matthew, of course. Deep down, we both knew we named him that because of Matt and our relationship with him

Ahhh... there are so many memories. I can tell you all of the girls Matt liked growing up. I can tell you the only girl he ever truly loved, who just happened to be one of my very best friends. He and his dad had this incredible relationship; they were best friends. He respected his dad and wanted to be just like him, even though he would never admit that to his father. He adored his sisters and treated my sister as if she were his own. Matt would do anything for his mom.

Oh... football games, Y2K, Mike's Hard Lemonade, him judging/hating every guy I dated, the day he stopped caring about who I dated, cruises to Mexico, senior trips blasting music in our convertible Mustang, house boating on Lake Shasta, watching our first baseball game and cheering as loudly as possible...

Matthew really was my brother. Our families would agree. His parents were my second parents and mine were his. Our moms had us betrothed. I may not have been as close to him in the past several years, but he will always hold an incredibly special place in my life. He helped shape me into the woman I am today. He will truly be missed.