The River Why

Life is like a river; it's in constant motion, always ebbing and flowing. Things happen in the river that we will never be able to define. Some things have no known reason or purpose, but they happen anyway and the outcome is never expected.

I'm living in Wyoming. Though I've been here for over a month now, it just hit me. I love Wyoming, but I never expected to find myself here.

I am beginning to discover who I am... or who I would like to be.

In California, I was an athlete. That was my life. My days were simply about looking good, working hard and bragging about my results. Now, my passion for nature that once was has finally returned, yet now it has a stronger force.

Imagine a trout stuck in a fish tank. That's not the way the trout was meant to live. He was created to roam free in the lakes, swimming upstream against the current. His life is difficult, no doubt, for it is never easy to swim against the current; however, he is happy. He is free.

Was I stuck in a tank in Santa Barbara? In a sense, I guess I was. Swimming circles inside of my four walls. Eight walls, you could say, if you make each wall one of my jobs. Please don't misunderstand, my dear readers. I love my work; I could not have chosen a better profession. Although, there is something missing from my life there and I've known it for five years.

Looking back at my life, I can see from the strong male role models in my life where my exhilaration for adventure, the outdoors and life comes from.

My Father

Daddy has always had a zeal for life. He loves the water, whether it's salt or fresh. He was the first person to take me camping and the one who taught me how to kayak, ski, snowboard, surf... you name it. I have so much respect and admiration for that man. He is strong, he is brave and he is honest. My father is everything a man should be. Despite the obstacles he has faced, he has found a way to be connected to nature. Nothing puts a smile on that man's face like being on the river or under the ocean does.

Michael

Oh, the high school and college years. The beat-up red pick-up truck. Shooting guns. Fishing at Three Creeks. Playing in the snow under the stars then cuddling up in his 4-wheeler out in the middle of the woods. There was something about Michael that I couldn't let go of, no matter how hard I tried. For a long time, I couldn't figure it out. Finally, it has hit me. Michael loved being outside. He found joy in fishing, skiing and pulling stupid pranks. When I was with him, I felt like I was five years old, experiencing life for the first time.

Maxwell

My best friend at the end of high school and into college. One of the best climbers in the world. Max was different than most guys I knew in high school. He wore Patagonia and a bandana around his forehead. He didn't care what people thought about him. He was real and he was in love with the outdoors. While most of my friends wanted to go to movies, shop or do something else that required money, Max and I would go play with the horses, walk around Smith Rock, explore the back roads, sit on the railroad tracks in the middle of a bridge over a huge damn... anything that made us feel alive.

Richard

 
I haven't known Richard for more than a year; however, I have learned so much about living life to the fullest through my time with Richard. At sixty-five-years-of-age, he is leaving in three days to climb Denali. The seven summits... that is his goal. He is on his fourth summit. This man is a beast. He doesn't care about his age, all he knows is his ability to enjoy his health and the world. He has the same mentality as I do: Push hard and when you feel like you can't go one more step, push even harder.

Most of my best memories from life were spent outdoors, getting dirty, wondering if I would survive my kayak tipping or questioning my ability to make it to the top of a hill. I love trail running because it allows me to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Marathon runners have become addicted to PRing. I got caught up in that lifestyle for awhile, then I realized that wasn't why I began running. I don't care how fast or how far I run, all I care about is the moment. Savoring life, enjoying the scenery, finding peace in the quiet. Wyoming has given me all of this. It has helped me remember that it's not about the clothes you wear or the amount of money you put into your triathlon bike, it's about living in the moment.

This is who I am. This is the epic story I want to live. I don't want to be held back by money or responsibilities. I don't want to be confined by four (/eight) walls. I am a strong, confident woman and I want to take the bull by the horns and not waste one second of the day.

Life is like a river; it's in constant motion and I want to be caught in its stream.

Let's Get Dirty

We came to get dirty.

There's no way around it. Walk into town and compare the SOAR staff to the other camps around here. We're just a bit dirtier than they are.


This is how we do it.


I came to get dirty. I came to play and explore and discover my limits.


Limitations. I have no limitations. No really, I'm like some super human freak of nature. Don't believe me? Want to race? On your mark, get set... okay, so I lied. I'm not that awesome. But I am testing my limits. And what better place to push them than in Dubois, Wyoming? I mean, when I want to do sprints, I just find a bear to chase me. Long slow run day? I'll just drive to the badlands and hide my car behind a hill so I can't find it for hours on end. Oh, Dubois. Du-boyz ee boyz. Where the feet are always dirty and the calves are always burning. I love my life!

Not too shabby a view for a long run

Running. Yeah, I've been doing a little of that lately. "Oh, you've got to meet Kit," people in town kept telling me. "He runs endurance races! He does at least five miles a day." Kit... got it.


Bring Bring!

I'm sitting at a Chinese restaurant in Jackson when my phone rings. "Hi Ashlee, this is Kit. Lynn gave me your number. Would you like to go running sometime next week?"


"Yeah, sure! That sounds great! Wait, who is this?"


Brock gave me crap for that. "You're going running with someone you don't know? Yeah, good luck with that kidnapping."


"I'm not a kid!"


Jackson has all sorts of running trails. It was supposed to be a swim day, but I couldn't go inside on a gorgeous day so I did a two hour trail run instead at Cache Creek. So beautiful! I love love love exploring new trails because it makes me want to run for hours. Hours, ya hear? I pulled up to the trail and looked at the map. Oooooo so many trails! Cache Creek was the longest, so I decided to start with that one. Jogalogloglog. Oooo! Look at that trail! Hmmm that one looks fun, too! So maybe working with ADHD kids is catching up to my ability to handle one task (or trail) at a time. Focus goggles, Ashlee. One trail at a time. So I finished the trail I was on and soon I had traveled 6 miles. I'm feeling good. Time for another trail? Yeah!!!! I began running up another trail and got a mile into it when I came across a snake.


Hey, Snake, hey!


I decided to turn around instead of waiting for mister snake to move. I tried a second trail. Noises. Lots of big animal noises in the trees. Uhmmm. Hello? Anybody out there? Don't do this to me now! I was just on a role.... I turned around just to play it safe.

So many trails, so little time

Another trail? Don't mind if I do. Running, running, running. Love, love, love. Nature, nature, nature. Trails, trails, trails. Oooo! Flowers! Ooo! Water! Speaking of water... I'm out. It's hot out, too. Maybe I should stop and head home? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But I have to do a food buy. Nooooooooooo! Blah. 

So that was a great run. Not great, phenomenal. Not phenomenal, serendipitous. Mmmmm scrumptious running.


I met up with Kit two days later. I'll admit, I was scared. This guy is an endurance runner. I mean, great people, but freaking hard(to the)core. So we met at the park in town and instantly bonded over our wonderful Subarus. I warned him it was going to be an easy day and he had no problem with that, so we ran six miles in the badlands then headed back to the car. I definitely am still adjusting to the altitude. Huff. Puff. "I'm sorry, Kit. I feel like a fat woman who can't run."


"What is your obsession with fat people," asks Sophie.


Jackson and I drive late one night in Sweet Baby Sam. We stop at Albertson's and I run in to use the restroom. A morbidly obese woman in the stall next to me is breathing harder than I do while running up a 2000 foot elevation. All she is doing is washing her hands and she's out of breath. I waltz back to the car.


"Jackson?"

"Yes?"

"I have a confession: I'm scared of fat people. Not because I don't like them, but because I'm scared I'm going to be one some day."

Back to the run. So Kit and I chitchat the entire six miles. It's awesome. He's awesome. I have a blast. We are going to be good friends.

"Which race are you doing on Saturday," I ask.

"Probably the 15K," he responds.

"Great," I say. "I'll do the 10K so that I have a shot at winning!"

Yeah, he fooled me and totally did the 10K. That's okay. He only got second because some guy in white spandex had the race in the freaking bag. You know those European guys that wear tight clothes and the latest trends? That was this guy. As we lined up at the start, I nudged Kit and whispered in his ear: "That guy has been warming up for the past hour. Don't let him beat you."

"I refuse to be beat by someone in white spandex," he answered. "Plus, he's cheating. He's got his iPod."

And we all know how that race turned out.

Rewind!

Yesterday, I decided to do an easy run to get the blood pumping. I'll just do the 5K course with the gnarly hill. No big deal. No big deal? Uhmmm yeah... My calves were tight, my lungs were shot... I could not run to save my life. Then Sophia sends me this:

Yeah, not gonna happen today. Terrified about the race tomorrow. It's just a workout, Ashlee. It's not a workout, Ashlee. It's a race. You know yourself. You know you'll push. Okay, Joshua... You can get out of my head now. 

 "Yeah, I'm just doing it as a workout," I tell Kit.

"No, you're not," Kit tells me. "You're a runner. It's not a workout."

Dang you, runners. Telling me what I know but don't want to hear. 

"Hey Josh. Should I do a 10K with a 250 foot climb tomorrow or a 15K with a 2000 foot climb?"

"Race or workout?"

..."Race."

"How's your knee? Are they trails or roads?"

"Trails. Knee acted up on my 4-mile climb today, but not too bad."

I can imagine him shaking his head at me. "I'd say do the 10K, but the 15K sounds like fun."

Saving the 15K for a workout next week...

Thank you, Caroline!

 Nicole and I woke up bright and early and made breakfast for the crew. Egg-in-a-hole, fruit, bacon and cinnamon toast. We climbed in her car and down we drove. She signed up for the 5K and we got our swag bags.

"Alright, Coach. Tell me what I should do." 

 
We warmed up. We said hello to Becki, Critter and Jeremy, who had so wonderfully come to support us. I introduced Nicole to my friend Kyle then was surprised to see Kit there. Kit and I walked over to the 10K start. Off we ran.


Seven minutes into it, I realized I should have paced myself better. I could still see Kit and I knew that meant I was running too quickly. Huff. Huff. Puff. Puff. Hello, Magic Dragon.... Oooooo magic dragon! That's who has been following me on every run! I have a new running partner! I slowed down slightly, but kept pushing. My throat was parched. I was third in this race until I hit the water station. As I guzzled cool liquid, a man passed me.


Oh no you didn't.

I threw my cup in the trash and took off after him. I was on his heels when I heard people yelling and a car horn honk.


Are they telling us we went the wrong way? I can't tell. I can barely see them. The horn keeps honking.


"We must be going the wrong way," the man says and turns back.


Goodnight nurse.

Two minutes back up the road, we turn onto the correct path, or so it seems. Eighteen minutes have passed since we started. I hear the voices of two females behind me... the ones that had been yelling at us to come back. Athletic looking women, one with a veil on her head. Can't stop. Must be first female.

Twenty-seven minutes in and my left foot goes completely numb. It was worse than in Wildflower when my Yankz were too tight. I bend down to tie my shoe, but that doesn't seem to help. I have an okay lead on the woman, so I choose to walk a bit, then I start to run again, but there is absolutely no feeling in my left foot. I can't even move my toes. Jackson once told me to go slow, but go. I think of the little engine that could. Onward I press, but my foot is so bad that I can sense an injury waiting to happen. Inside, I'm wondering if someone could call Jeremy for me and have him pick me up. Must finish. Go slow, but go. I walk. The women pass me. A little while later, I decide to run again. I catch up to them at the golf course. I run with them until we hit the road, then the woman in the veil takes off with super human speed.

Chase her. No, don't. You shouldn't. Your foot is still gone. Hold out until the last ten minutes then push. She's right there though! You can totally get her. No, you can't. Today is not your day. Let it be her day. 

And it was. I watched as she ran across the finish line; my head hung low.

"Get 'em, Ashlee," I head Jeremy call. He's standing with his camera taking photos. Oh great. Proof of how depleted I am.


"Race you to the finish," I tease him.


We sprint past Becki and Nicole and cross together. Kit comes up to congratulate me. It's a great day.


I came to get dirty. Today, I left town feeling pretty darn filthy. Thanks, Dubois!

Brockopolis

Zito, Brock and Matt- gangstas

Day 1 of Brock:

"Does anyone have any deodorant," Katy asked.

"I do," I grabbed my Dove Fresh Scent out of my day pack.

"Here you go, Brock," she handed it to the jock at the end of the table. He was tall and serious. Could have played football in school, maybe baseball. Why was he using my deodorant?

"Mmmm," were the first words I ever heard come from his mouth. "Ashlee's deodorant smells so good."

"Make sure there are no armpit hairs on it," Katy said as she handed it back to me.

Ew.


Day 2 of Brock:

Riddles. Lots of riddles. "I fly to Texas and stay there for three days. Who am I?"

He has a twin sister.

And a sense of humor:

"Has anyone ever gone to jail," asked Mackenzi.

"Yeah," Brock responded. "I ran over a man."

"Did he die," Mackenzi asked, mouth agape.

"Why do you think I went to jail."

He calls his girlfriend Sweet ThAng. "Then Sweet ThAng and I ate dinner at this restaurant..."

He doesn't want me to tell others how I guessed the riddle he just told. "Please don't tell anyone," he begged.

We are beaming him up and he just put himself in the most awkward position possible.

I don't know what to make of this guy.


Day 3 of Brock:  

I'm in the kitchen when I hear the 34 staff in the courtyard scream, "Thank you, Ashlee!"

Later, Rachel walked in the kitchen. "Did you hear us thank you," she asked. "It was Brock's idea. In our thank you circle, he said he was thankful for all of your cooking."

Awww.


Day 4 of Brock:

I finished up in the kitchen after dinner and I wanted to go on a hike. Gryllz was busy drawing pictures for his girlfriend, Tucker wanted to get online and Sophie had a meeting. Shoot. Zito, Brock, Katy, Maria and Kacey sat throwing rocks at other rocks.

"What are you doing," I inquired.

"Throwing rocks. It's a game Brock made up."

That is really strange. 

Brock chucked a rock off of the larger one close to me and it bounced up into my uterus. "Aw man! Right in the baby maker."  


Day 6 of Brock:

"Ashlee," Brock stands close to me, beer in hand. "Do you know how to do the cupid shuffle?"

Say what? My face was blank.

"The cupid shuffle. Watch: To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left. Now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick. Now walk it by yourself. Now walk it by yourself. So stick your knees out to the side and kind of sit back low. There you go. Like this."

Who is this guy?


Day 10 of Brock:

 We all line up, ready to climb up to the rock climbing site.

"Put the fast hikers at the back of the line," Zito said. "That's Ashlee."

Oh shoot. They can't be serious. I looked down at the ground, shuffling my feet and hoping they wouldn't seriously make me hike at the back of the pack. Lah-dee-dah-dee-duhm. Shoot, shoot, shoot... they're all looking at me! Look away, look away!

"Sorry, Ash," Zito said. Why, little brother? Why?

"Oh, and you need to take out your earrings," Brock said. Aw man! Fortunately, it distracted them, so when we started hiking, I was fourth in line, right behind Brock then Zito then Nani. Sweet.

"Ashlee," Brock called back. "Tell us a riddle."

Brock did a fantastic job of helping me feel included even though I wasn't technically part of the group.

Later, we were standing at the site looking up at the rock face. I walked over to Brock, who was nervously watching Andrew climb the 5/9.

"You gonna do it," I asked.

He didn't want to, but he did it. "I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't do it."

What a stud.

Then I climbed. "That was your first time climbing," he asked. "Wow, you are awesome." Aww, thanks, Brockopolis.


Day 13 of Brock:

Nine people stand dancing around the cars at the overlook. Country music is blasting out of Brock's car.

"Ashlee!" Brock exclaims as I get out of Nani's car. "Do you want some whiskey?"

"Not really. Oh, alright, give me a sip." Swish, swish, gargle, swallow, burn. "Hmm, that's pretty good!"

"Yeah," he exclaims. "Ashlee likes whiskey! Atta girl!" Then he starts singing, "She's my little whiskey girl..."

"Give me some more."

"Yes," he shouts, as if he's accomplished something great. I guess in a way he has.

"Brock," I ask. "Is this your music? May I borrow some CDs so I can download them? I don't have enough country music."

"No," he says and turns away. Uhmmmm okay? I cannot figure this boy out!!!


Day 18 of Brock:

"I want to listen to some Brantley," Brock said. We were standing side-by-side next to the campfire Jackson had built looking out at the Tetons. He looked over at me, "Do you know who Brantley is?"

"Yeah!" I exclaimed.

"What's his last name," he tested.  My mind went blank. Tucker laughed. "Gilbert," he whispered.

"Gilbert!"

"There ya go! Isn't he great," he wasn't really asking, he was telling. "Want some whiskey? That's what I love about Anne and Ashlee! They love their whiskey."

Then he said something in his Oliver Twist accent that always makes me smile.

"So you climbed today," he asked.

"Yeah, she did," Jackson exclaimed. "A 5/10+."

Mackenzi chimed in, "Jackson and Ashlee were the only ones who were able to finish it."

"Who are you," he asked. "That was your second time climbing and you're already doing a 5/10. You're ridiculous. You're a stud." Hey, thanks, Brockopolis.


Day 22 of Brock:

Dishes. So many dishes. And no one to clean them but me. And Sophie. Thank God for Sophie.

Sophie grabs a handful of suds and plasters them on my chin and in my mouth. My tongue comes out of my mouth and I start trying to spit out the taste of soap. Sophie just laughs. Hard. I squeak.

"Ashlee!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I hear Brock's voice from outside and down the hill. Dang, my laugh is loud.

"Did you know Brock is leaving for NorCal," Sophie's tone got more serious.

"What!?!?!?!?!! You're kidding me," I was stunned. My body stopped working. I didn't know what to think about. Uhhmmm doyyyyy. "Why him? Can't they take someone else? Not Brock!" I felt crushed. Brock brings so much joy to my day. "They already took Gryllz and Anne from me! Now Brock?"

"Yup," Sophie said.

Sad day.

Twenty minutes later, Brock walked into my cabin. "Don't go," I begged.

"You're going to have to find someone else to run with," he said, sadly.

I frowned. "Don't go," I said again. "Are you excited? You'll have so much fun. Don't go."

We walked up to the kitchen and talked about California.

Oh man. I'm going to miss his random waves and his Oliver Twist accent and his Vikings beanie and his Brockopolis-ness.


Day 23 of Brock:

I'm going to be a pro at the Cupid Shuffle by the time you return. -Me

Good. I'm tired of being the only pro. Practice walking it out. Most important part. -Brock


I really didn't know what to make of Brock at the beginning of training, but now I get all teary-eyed when I think about him leaving. Saying goodbye is no fun. Brockopolis, you will be missed.

Chasing Coyotes and Other Lessons Learned

Hi, I don't believe we've met... My name is Ashlee and I am a fan of bruising my legs, buying expensive shoes and journals, people who act like you've been best friends for years even though you just met 10 seconds ago and never giving up. I love long walks on the beach as well as blistering my hands while climbing a large rockface and killing my quads on a long, uphill run. Okay, so who really loves getting blisters and quad killers? Maybe I exaggerated an eeny teensy bitty bit. The point is, I can't sit still. I noticed that this morning when I was the first at our campsite to wake up. I stayed in bed for awhile, wondering when everyone would finally rouse from sleep, but I couldn't take it for long. Soon I was up and sitting in my car, staring at the Tetons and waiting for the day to officially begin.

The view from my tent

This guy started snorting at me, so I took off

Bison and the Tetons

Let's rewind, shall we?

When I woke up at the bed and breakfast last... oh gosh, what day was it? Saturday. It was Saturday.

Let's rewind again. Duhdooscreeeeeechwhir.

When I woke up at the bed and breakfast last Saturday, the man who runs the place greeted me with a huge smile. Eggs? Blueberry pancakes? Greek yogurt? Strawberries? Sausage? Coffee? He had it all.

Ahhhhh... Coffee. Let's get one thing straight: I am a girl. I am a girl who loves coffee. This girl right here loves coffee and it has been way too long since I have had a good cup of coffee-flavored milk. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. The good stuff. A third a cup of coffee with two-thirds nonfat milk. SoooooOOOOOOooOOoooooOooo delicious. Yum.

So I drank my coffee while the man told me about his life and how much I resemble Julia Stiles. That's only the 5th time I've heard that this week. The man was so open, telling me every detail of his life. Then his coworker came down and she told me every detail of her life. The people in Wyoming are amazing. They are so eager to be your favorite person in the world. I swear, I'll be standing in line to buy a sandwich and the person behind me wants to know where I came from, what I'm doing with my life, how I became a girl who loves coffee and running and biking and getting beat up. Not beat up in a weird way. Well, I guess it is kinda strange that I love having battle scars from my excursions.

That day I ran. It was the first time I've really run in quite awhile. I was not on my game. I miss being on my game. I miss my abs. Beer. All this beer I've been consuming is not helping my game. Dang you, Brock! I'm just going to blame Brock for this one since he's really the one who is always asking if I want a beer or a swig of whiskey. That's it. No more alcohol. I'm done.

The neighborhood I'm going to live in when I move to Jackson

Jackson is very... artsy?

 Last Saturday evening, we all went to the Outlaw. I didn't drink. Well, not really. Grillz texted and told me to take a sip of someone's beer for him. Brock and Tucker were the only ones still drinking. Here goes nothing; I walked over and grabbed Brock's beer and took an Ashlee sip, which means a tiny drop of beer. Brock look confused, but proud of me for drinking. "For Grillz," I said. Then I walked away.

Seriously, no more beer.

On Sunday, Tucker, Brock, Elle, Mackenzi, Rachel, Jackson and I drove to Jackson and got Chinese food for lunch. They all wanted to nap and you know I don't nap. We left Brock and Rachel in the park so they could get some shut-eye while the rest of us went climbing.

Jackson led the climb. It was a 5/10+. I was stoked. The Tetons were right across the street and I couldn't wait to get to the top. Tucker went first while I belayed. On belay. Belay on. Climbing. Climb on. He got about halfway up the rock when his arms got tired and he had to come back down. It was my turn. It took awhile for me to find the route I preferred, but soon I was scaling up the rock. I reached the top and took a deep breath of fresh air. Looking behind me, I could see the Tetons and the meadows and the lakes. It was one of the most breathtaking views I've ever seen.

Elle with her new friend Jeremy the Lizard

Jackson leading

Jackson was belaying me and he brought me down, but he did some weird James Bond stuff in between. We were both in the air dancing circles around each other and the rock. Finally we came down and Mackenzi and Elle were up.

Elle got the climbing shoes on then exclaimed, "I have to go chase a coyote!" Really? She has to chase a coyote right now before climbing the rock? What an inconvenient time for a coyote to show up. It was only an hour later that I was told what that meant. Oops.

Jackson and I were the only ones who made it to the top. I am so stoked on rock climbing. So stoked, in fact, that I went indoor climbing last night. Every Monday night, Enclosure in Jackson has a free rock climbing workshop. Indoor climbing is a lot different from outdoor climbing, but I found that I could easily climb the 5/7, 5/8 and 5/9. The 5/10 was a little more challenging, but I still made it to the top. I don't give up, even though sometimes I really want to.

After climbing with Jackson, Elle, Mackenzi and Tucker, I met up with the other group (Sophie, Nicole, Nani, Kaitlyn and Kacy) for a movie and the bed and breakfast. The next day, I convinced the girls to stop by the Teton Mystery with me. They were hesitant and I could tell they really had no interest, but I was anxious to check it out. 

Fence. Must climb it. Weeds. Must venture through them. Spider webs. Must break them.

It was an old, run down building and it was closed off, but we hopped the fence and discovered the mystery of the Tetons: an old structure built on a steep slope. Sounds lame, but it was pretty fun and we laughed a lot.

That's right, it's amazing!

So strong

The rest of the day was filled with tourist shopping and sightseeing. When the girls went back to Dubois, I grabbed dinner with the original group plus Tim and Leslie. We camped out at Shadow Mountain with a large campfire, a sky full of brilliant stars and a silhouette of the Tetons accompanying us to sleep. As I lay in my sleeping bag, Jackson told me the strawberry story. It was the perfect time to hear the strawberry story.

So, things I've learned about myself in my time off from cooking:

1. I love rock climbing and I want to start a rock climbing/ Pilates/ expedition business with Tyler.
2. Brock is pretty darn awesome at making everyone feel included.
3. Everyone in Wyoming is your best friend.
4. The Tetons are the prettiest sight in the world.
5. Alcohol is not my friend.
6. When someone says they have to chase a coyote, they really mean they have to pee.
7. Boys love blowing bubbles.
8. I'm kinda hardcore and I don't ever want to be hindered from exploring my limits.

best text ever!

Yes please

My beautiful new Toms. Stoked much?

My life summed up

Yay for new boots!

I want this bumper sticker

Me, Scott and Jo-Han!

repelling in Sinks