My Evil Elevator Scheme

Last year, I was blessed by the friendship of a girl who enjoyed playing tag in the Tetons, singing worship at the top of her lungs and using a pirate accent when teaching kiddies how to canoe. There are not many people as carefree and in love with life as this girl.

At the end of our summer together, she gifted me with a note. All summer long, she would set goals for me to attain (such as LEARN HOW TO COOK, since I was the chef yet had never cooked a real meal before). This final summer list of goals included singing Black Keys' Gold on the Ceiling  at the top of my lungs in an elevator (thank God she did not include surrounded by people you don't know).

I've been in bed for almost three months now and I'm pretty bored. I have cleaned out all of my junk files, read every single diary I kept while growing up, starting writing a book, etc. But my blog has been lacking. This has been made clear to me by many readers.

So, I will grace you all with a new blog post. Like most of my recent posts, it has nothing to do with athletics (though I do plan to write a post on recovery, nutrition and training soon).

Here it goes. This blog post is titled My Evil Elevator Scheme, or How to Annoy the Hell out of People so You Never Have to Share An Elevator Again:

1. Sing Ave Maria at the top of your lungs completely out of tune.
2. Shyly smile at the person next to you. Look down at the floor. Then fake a yawn and stretch maneuver, placing your hand on their shoulder and drawing them into your side.
3. Hold the doors open and pretend you are waiting for a friend. After a little while, allow them to close and say, "Hey, Larry. How are you today?"
4. Pretend there is a spider on you. Scream like a little girl and shake it off dramatically. Stomp at the floor with your foot, like you are squishing him. Then start crying and begging him forgiveness.
5. Take out your cell phone and begin taking pictures of people. Make sure they say, "Cheese!"
6. Drop a pen. When someone goes to pick it up, scream, "That's mine!"
7. When there is only one other person in the elevator with you, tap them on the shoulder then pretend it wasn't you.
8. Stare at someone next to you, smiling awkwardly. When they give you a funny look, announce, "This is my first time riding in an elevator".
9. Pretend you are a flight attendant. Welcome the other passengers and review emergency procedures and exits. 
10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
11. Any time a button is pushed, make a funny sound. 
12. Push the buttons and pretend they gave you an electrical shock. Smile and do it again.
13. Set up a desk in the corner and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
14. Do the macarena and encourage people to join in.  
15. Growl every time a new person enters the elevator.