Warm sun shines into the brick room. Clean white walls, a freshly-cleaned gray floor, new blue mats lining the floors... it's time for Pilates. Seven women and one man have come to my Killer Pilates class this morning. We start with two minutes of burpees.
"Alright, spread your legs wider than hip-width, toes pointing forward and come into a wide squat. Nice and low. There you go," I instruct. "Keeping the knees behind the toes, let's pulse up and down for three minutes."
Not even halfway into the three minutes, I hear a familiar voice call out, "I'd recognize that butt anywhere. Hi Ashlee!" Wow... thanks, Vida. I laughed so hard that my quads started hurting way too early. I had to come out of the squat. So much for being a good Pilates model.
For my twenty-fifth (yes, the big two-five) birthday, Grylls came out to visit. He got here the Thursday before my birthday. It was so great to see my Grylls again! The next morning, I walked into cycle class to find a balloon and a card from Lauren wishing me a wonderful birthday. The day went really well. Sean took me out for lunch, Tyler and I walked on the beach because no one showed up for cycle at the Buddha, my Pilates class told me how much they hated/loved how hard my class is and Lynn came into one of my evening classes, which always cheers me up.
After work, Grylls and I drove down to Weston's house in Orange County and rested up for the Color Run. Weston could not have gotten me a more ideal gift. A can of organic pumpkin and a paid entrance fee to a fun race. It was not a timed race, so Ashley came and participated with us. By the end of the 5k, we were COVERED like a chalkboard that had been attacked by Jackson Pollock. We had to show off our colors, so we wore them to a restaurant Weston recommended for breakfast.
That evening, Ashley, Tyler and I drove to Malibu to eat fish tacos and go camping with Dale. We found a random running trail on the top of a large hill (well, we stumbled upon it after getting completely lost) and camped overnight under the stars. It was a great time. The ultra race was going to come through the next morning and they were all set up. We were worried we would get kicked out, but everything worked out for the best. We woke up early the next day, got breakfast, then got completely lost at the Malibu State Park. Sean met us for some rock climbing on the Planet of the Apes Wall, which was a kick-butt gnarly climb that none of us were able to complete. It was totally worth it though.
The entire time Tyler was here, we got to do a lot of rock climbing and hiking. I got to climb 6 times in 8 days! And he taught me how to lead climb and clean gear! It was a great time.
My workouts started taking a toll though. The last good run I remember was two weeks ago on a Tuesday night.
"I have to run tonight after work," I told Grylls.
"I'll come with you," he responded.
I gave him a skeptical glance. "You don't have to."
"I want to."
"Are you sure," I asked. It was his last chance to back out.
"Yeah, why not?"
So we ran. After 5 miles, he asked me how far we were running. I guess I never learned how to front load someone when I was in Wyoming. "Oh, we are running a half marathon."
"Oh," he said. That is one brave soul. He stayed with it though. But that was the last run he did with me.
We also went on a long hike the following Sunday. Patrick joined us. It was supposed to be four hours, but the weather was hot and Patrick hadn't brought much water, so we went back to the car after 3 hours.
That was a great hike, even though I fell and scraped my knee. Ever since the knee scraping though, I have been lacking. Usually I average 300 watts in a cycle class. Last Friday, 200 was my max. I was struggling to hold that. My heart rate would only go up to 100, but I was completely exhausted. Later that day, I decided to do some track work in the middle of the day. Again, I plodded along, feeling like I was going my max, but the old man walking with a cane seemed to be lapping me (okay, not really, but you get my point).
Halfway through my workout, Rusty came by to set up for the marathon.
"Hey, Ash," he called. I probably turned three shades of red knowing that he was watching me struggle through my sprints. Inside, I hoped he thought I was just working on a long, slow run. I passed a group of male college athletes. I overheard one of them say, "She looks like she should be fast. She has great form." Well, at least I look like I know what I'm doing. Stupid legs... move! I just felt heavy and tired and unable to perform. Thank goodness I'm not competing this weekend.
Shaking off the poor track workout, I decided to go for a 4 hour trail run last Sunday in between jobs. No one wanted to join me (I think they've all learned), so I did 14 miles alone. An hour into my run, I realized my water supply was bad. Eff. It was 90 degrees outside, I was running in the heat of the day and the only shade I could find covered my feet and nothing else. There were a few points where I thought I might pass out, but I encouraged myself with the verse about pressing on towards the prize. It worked!
My body is still tired though. I wonder if it's my big butt that's dragging me down...
So I'm just going to lay it all down on the line right now. Two weeks ago, one of my bosses sent out a survey asking the members at the gym what they thought of the trainers. My reviews were wonderful: "Great motivator!" "Awesome ab workout!" "Knows my levels and pushes me to do better every time." There were a couple of not so great ones: "Very 80's workout style- don't like the countdown from 5." Then there was the one that flashed across my brain all week long: "Ashlee does not look fit so I am not motivated to workout when I am in her class." Ouch.
Let's be honest; I cried, I ate cookies (vegan cookies, of course), I talked to my friends, I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered what I could do to get skinny. I struggled with that comment A LOT. I'm still struggling with that comment. Never in my life have I felt skinny. Even when I had a six-pack. There was always someone somewhere who would tell me I wasn't good enough. So when I told Nash and he said it wasn't true, that was a relief. But it didn't help when he decided to tease me all day and make fat jokes. It also didn't help when I told Tyler about Nash teasing me and he thought it was okay to do the same. So when I fell on our hike and he said it was because I was carrying too much weight down the trail, I was heart broken.
Now I am starting to wonder if that is why my pace has gotten slower. I find that I am always craving some sort of food. My cat meows for food all day long. No joke. It's ridiculous. She still has crumbs in her mouth and she begs for more. I call her fat and tell her to learn some self-control. Then I wonder if I should be telling myself the same thing. Shoot. What is this? Sometimes I just wonder if I will always play the fat game. Will I ever not worry about my pants being snug? Sorry, I guess I'm just ranting at the moment. My weight will always be a struggle for me, but I hope it doesn't take over my every thought like it has been the past two weeks.
It helps that I have a good following. I don't think men in their 20's and 30's would come to my Pure Awesomeness class if I wasn't in shape. I also don't think people would come to my Pilates and cycle classes if they weren't being challenged.
Everyone has a struggle, right? Just keep on keeping on.
Pictures to come...
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